My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
