Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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