You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
