Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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