You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
