Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize