you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Randomize
