i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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