Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Sponge bath it is.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Floor bacon is actually really good
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
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