you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
