We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
