Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
