I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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