I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
