You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
not ubering you a puppy
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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