Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
