I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
