Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
he shaved USA in his pubs
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
