I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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