This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
