walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
