dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
