I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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