better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
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Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
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Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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