new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
