Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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