I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
