i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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