Tell her she can't have a vagina
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
