I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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