my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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