i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
