It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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