I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
