remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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