Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
