he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Randomize
