Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
You ruined the universe
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
