Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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