i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
