I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
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I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
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The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You're breaking my sexual little heart
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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