surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
