She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
