He felt like a one man threesome
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
