no, he came in my armpit
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
