watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Randomize
