YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
