I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
