You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Michael Bay diarrhea
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
