And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
