it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
