i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You ruined the universe
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
