You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
