i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
PANTIES FOUND
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