i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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