dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
