Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Randomize
