I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
