omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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