ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
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I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
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Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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